What Do Texting, Social Networking and Jealousy Have in Common?

Therapists often deal with couples where presenting problem is an affair or some form of emotional infidelity. Generally, when we face infidelity issues we are talking about three major boundaries, the emotional, physical and sexual boundaries. A couple who pledges fidelity to each other often have the expectation that fidelity will exist in all three boundaries, yet the expectations of appropriate behaviors in these areas are often unvoiced and not expressed.

It is easy to know when the sexual boundary is crossed. A spouse is either reveals or is discovered having sex with another person. This is a clear case of infidelity. But what about hugging, even kissing? These both are physical and not sexual in the sense of sexual intercourse. When is a peck on the cheek crossing the line? And then, of course, there is the emotional boundary. When is emotional closeness with another person crossing the line, how much confiding can someone do with another person before it violates the rules of the relationship? And what about texting another person or writing on their Facebook, MySpace or other social networking site’s “walls” or “whiteboards”. Is it o-k, for instance, for a married person to write on another’s wall, “You look hot?”

Recent research has indicated that the more time one spends on social networking sites the more jealousy is engendered in partners where there is a committed relationship, whether that be a committed relationship of engagement and marriage, living together or just going together. Part of the reason for this is that there is a certain anonymity to writing on someone’s social network site. This is largely a private affair where one communicates to another individually on a computer. There is often not a crowd or others checking out your behavior. The same is true for texting. Texting is often a private thing and can create a sense of bonding by linking two people together in an extended conversation. Sometimes the rules of flirting are suspended because there is only one form of communication, the written word. Missing are the voice tonality, the body postures, and the community of others that notice what is going on.

You can imagine, then, the surprise of a spouse to discover words written by the other spouse to a third party. These can be texts, words written on someone’s “wall” and even e-mails sent to a third party. Often, the spouse who is doing the writing protests that everything was innocent, but the other spouse usually feels left out and excluded, that there was a secrete bond that got created in these private messages.

And since technology is omni present in our lives, even omni intrusive, these types of issues are popping up more and more in the therapy office. So here are some rules of the road to offer a couple whenever texting, jealousy and social network pages are linked together.

Transparency. If you are going to text another person is the text something that you are willing to show to your spouse? If you find yourself hiding a text message from your spouse you might be crossing an emotional boundary.

Honesty. If you were in the same room with the person you are texting or writing to, with your spouse and others around you, like at a party, would you engage in the same behaviors? If you answer no, you might be drifting toward trouble.

When your spouse questions you on who you’re texting, or your internet usage can you calmly, without anger and defensiveness, tell your spouse about your usage? If not perhaps you have a guilty conscience and are responding in a defensive manner.

If there is jealousy on the part of your spouse over your texting or internet usage consider talking to a therapist who can help you sort out these issues. Don’t let something like this build for too long, the hurt and anger created can and will do real damage.