The Monsters Under Our Bed

Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are has been enjoying new popularity, in part due to the movie by that name that was released this past Fall, 2009. The reading level of the book is listed as ages 4-8, the enjoyment level ranges from 4 to 80 and beyond.

I have referred many couples to numerous self help books for relationships and marriages. But just recently I have been asking my couples and even individual clients if they have a copy of Where the Wild Things Are, and if they do, to take it out and give it a reading.

The book centers on a youngster named Max, who is sent to his bedroom for playing mischief when he shouldn't have. In his room a forest grows and Max descends from his bed into the land of the monsters; and while they threaten to eat him all they want to be is tamed by him. He obliges, tames the monsters, and they make him king. In the end he returns to his bed because he misses the comforts of a good home cooked meal.

My question to my clients when talking about Max and his monsters is this: “what monsters lie beneath your bed, that threaten to devour you, but really want to be tamed and befriended?” All of us have monsters of some sort that lurk in the hidden recesses of our lives, and they seek to have their voice heard. Some might have the monster of anxiety, others depression and still others a fear of being seen as a fraud. Or perhaps it is the monster of addiction that threatens a person.For every personality you meet you can imagine that there are some monsters lurking under that person's bed, waiting for their proper expression, and most likely causing fear and trembling.

One reason the book works is that Max doesn't destroy the monsters, he tames them, perhaps transforms them. Ask someone who attends a twelve step group and that person will say that he/she is recovering, not cured. This means that the monster of addiction has been confronted and tamed, but it still remains to some extent a force in the person's life. Our tendency is to try to uproot, conquer, stamp out and basically destroy those parts of our personality that cause us grief, shame and embarrassment. When we do that we usually only feed the monster and it grows. Only by naming our shame and embarrassment and those patterns in our lives that cause us the most distress, can we seek to transform them into something that works with us, not against us.

I used to smoke cigarettes and that addiction to nicotine exercised a powerful hold on me. I can't say with certainty that I will never smoke again and that this addiction is conquered. But I can identify the underlying forces that led me to smoke in the first place (acceptance and belonging, stress, to name a few) and know that I am doing better with those forces. In a sense, like Max, I have looked them in the eye and made peace with them.

So we all have some underdeveloped parts of our personality that cry out for greater development and integration, and when we deny these parts they do take on the guise of monsters who seek to destroy us. A person with an eating disorder often is more controlled by the disorder than in control. A person with an anger issue often tries to suppress the anger, only to have it blow at some point like Vesuvius. Maybe we can learn from Max and take a risk to descend into the land of our own personal monsters, not to vanquish them and destroy them, but to befriend them and tame them, and in their taming transform and integrate our own personalities on a deeper level.

What Do Texting, Social Networking and Jealousy Have in Common?

Therapists often deal with couples where presenting problem is an affair or some form of emotional infidelity. Generally, when we face infidelity issues we are talking about three major boundaries, the emotional, physical and sexual boundaries. A couple who pledges fidelity to each other often have the expectation that fidelity will exist in all three boundaries, yet the expectations of appropriate behaviors in these areas are often unvoiced and not expressed.

It is easy to know when the sexual boundary is crossed. A spouse is either reveals or is discovered having sex with another person. This is a clear case of infidelity. But what about hugging, even kissing? These both are physical and not sexual in the sense of sexual intercourse. When is a peck on the cheek crossing the line? And then, of course, there is the emotional boundary. When is emotional closeness with another person crossing the line, how much confiding can someone do with another person before it violates the rules of the relationship? And what about texting another person or writing on their Facebook, MySpace or other social networking site’s “walls” or “whiteboards”. Is it o-k, for instance, for a married person to write on another’s wall, “You look hot?”

Recent research has indicated that the more time one spends on social networking sites the more jealousy is engendered in partners where there is a committed relationship, whether that be a committed relationship of engagement and marriage, living together or just going together. Part of the reason for this is that there is a certain anonymity to writing on someone’s social network site. This is largely a private affair where one communicates to another individually on a computer. There is often not a crowd or others checking out your behavior. The same is true for texting. Texting is often a private thing and can create a sense of bonding by linking two people together in an extended conversation. Sometimes the rules of flirting are suspended because there is only one form of communication, the written word. Missing are the voice tonality, the body postures, and the community of others that notice what is going on.

You can imagine, then, the surprise of a spouse to discover words written by the other spouse to a third party. These can be texts, words written on someone’s “wall” and even e-mails sent to a third party. Often, the spouse who is doing the writing protests that everything was innocent, but the other spouse usually feels left out and excluded, that there was a secrete bond that got created in these private messages.

And since technology is omni present in our lives, even omni intrusive, these types of issues are popping up more and more in the therapy office. So here are some rules of the road to offer a couple whenever texting, jealousy and social network pages are linked together.

Transparency. If you are going to text another person is the text something that you are willing to show to your spouse? If you find yourself hiding a text message from your spouse you might be crossing an emotional boundary.

Honesty. If you were in the same room with the person you are texting or writing to, with your spouse and others around you, like at a party, would you engage in the same behaviors? If you answer no, you might be drifting toward trouble.

When your spouse questions you on who you’re texting, or your internet usage can you calmly, without anger and defensiveness, tell your spouse about your usage? If not perhaps you have a guilty conscience and are responding in a defensive manner.

If there is jealousy on the part of your spouse over your texting or internet usage consider talking to a therapist who can help you sort out these issues. Don’t let something like this build for too long, the hurt and anger created can and will do real damage.

Relationship Mindfulness

I was working with a couple recently on their marriage. Both had hurts that could be traced back to their respective families of origin, and both had a fear that the other would be the first to leave. Fear of being abandoned comes in different flavors and the way this fear manifested itself in the relationship is that each would engage in dramatic threats or statements. These were usually made in a state of argument and high tension. “Just get out” or “I knew I shouldn’t have married you”. There were other serious and hurtful statements that were said, and remembered.


Upon examination both admitted that they engaged in these behaviors because of fear: fear of the other leaving, fear that they would be made to look the fool, fear that they might wake up one day and the other would be gone. At one point I stopped them and said, “In fact one of you will leave the other and you won’t be able to do anything about that. That will happen, somewhere along the line, when one of you dies and leaves the other behind.” I pointed out to them that they couldn’t prevent death from happening, but that they could work to love each other deeply, respectfully, and to build each other up every day.


These words came back to me forcefully when my wife and I learned that a good friend had died suddenly, unexpectedly, leaving his wife of forty years behind, bereft. He had the flu, it went away, he caught a cold, fought it off. The night before he died he told his wife he was going to stay up and watch a video. The next day she found him, he had died sometime during the night.


Our friend was grief stricken and still is. We traveled to the services to be with our friend. I was struck by the love and support present in the room the day of the farewell service. There were stories told, tears shed, laughter and a lot of sadness and concern for our friend who now needed to cope and move forward. At the end of the service the newly bereft widow rose and thanked everyone for coming. She said, “it’s all about love” and encouraged us to continue to love and be present to our relationships.


Being present to the present, mindful of the state of our relationships, and keeping our love current is the legacy of our friend who died. Are we afraid to live the love that is given us for fear that we will be hurt, abandoned or that things won’t work out? I wonder. Our two friends lived respectfully, lovingly for forty years and because of their energy and commitment they empowered many other people to achieve their own potential.Buddhists talk about "being mindful", Western Christian Spirituality talks about "being present to the present". Whatever your metaphor, the task it seems, is to be as current as possible, loving, living your life without regret, being present to the other as best you can. Our friends did this for one another, they lived an authentic relationship. It is worth remembering, celebrating and emulating.