Relationship Mindfulness

I was working with a couple recently on their marriage. Both had hurts that could be traced back to their respective families of origin, and both had a fear that the other would be the first to leave. Fear of being abandoned comes in different flavors and the way this fear manifested itself in the relationship is that each would engage in dramatic threats or statements. These were usually made in a state of argument and high tension. “Just get out” or “I knew I shouldn’t have married you”. There were other serious and hurtful statements that were said, and remembered.


Upon examination both admitted that they engaged in these behaviors because of fear: fear of the other leaving, fear that they would be made to look the fool, fear that they might wake up one day and the other would be gone. At one point I stopped them and said, “In fact one of you will leave the other and you won’t be able to do anything about that. That will happen, somewhere along the line, when one of you dies and leaves the other behind.” I pointed out to them that they couldn’t prevent death from happening, but that they could work to love each other deeply, respectfully, and to build each other up every day.


These words came back to me forcefully when my wife and I learned that a good friend had died suddenly, unexpectedly, leaving his wife of forty years behind, bereft. He had the flu, it went away, he caught a cold, fought it off. The night before he died he told his wife he was going to stay up and watch a video. The next day she found him, he had died sometime during the night.


Our friend was grief stricken and still is. We traveled to the services to be with our friend. I was struck by the love and support present in the room the day of the farewell service. There were stories told, tears shed, laughter and a lot of sadness and concern for our friend who now needed to cope and move forward. At the end of the service the newly bereft widow rose and thanked everyone for coming. She said, “it’s all about love” and encouraged us to continue to love and be present to our relationships.


Being present to the present, mindful of the state of our relationships, and keeping our love current is the legacy of our friend who died. Are we afraid to live the love that is given us for fear that we will be hurt, abandoned or that things won’t work out? I wonder. Our two friends lived respectfully, lovingly for forty years and because of their energy and commitment they empowered many other people to achieve their own potential.Buddhists talk about "being mindful", Western Christian Spirituality talks about "being present to the present". Whatever your metaphor, the task it seems, is to be as current as possible, loving, living your life without regret, being present to the other as best you can. Our friends did this for one another, they lived an authentic relationship. It is worth remembering, celebrating and emulating.