Qualities that Affect How Couples Bond with Each Other

Understanding how couples bond together can help pastors and counselors assist couples who experience difficulties in their relationship. Sometimes conflict, affairs, toxic communication and the like weaken the quality of bonding. Here are some factors that help with bonding. Much of the following material is taken from an article in Scientific American Mind, January/February 2010 edition.

• Arousal. We bond emotionally to another when we do things that arouse our senses. Things like exercise, adventures, even adventures that require some risk. Perhaps couples sometimes get themselves into trouble by settling too much into a routine.
• Proximity and Familiarity. Just being around someone a lot tends to create bonds. This might explain why long distance courtships often run into trouble, a couple might simply not have enough time to get to know each other.
• Similarity. Research indicates that we like to pair with people who are similar to ourselves in terms of values, intelligence, cultural background and attractiveness. As a marriage couple I look for a 80/20 split of similarity vs. differences. There is a saying in the counseling business that we meet and fall in love on what we hold in common and we grow – or split, on our differences.
• Humor. Happy relationships are ones where couples help each other laugh. Humor is an important quality with one caveat: sarcasm and teasing are a two edged sword, they may be funny but both can cut deeply into the feelings of another.
• Novelty. Newness creates bonds, people are attracted to new things and to each other when they do new things together. This is why couples need to sometimes shake up the Friday night routine, the “same old, same old”, but taking a risk to do something new.
• Lowering Inhibitions. Being inhibited blocks feelings and puts up shutters into the deeper self. Sharing more of your feelings, even vulnerabilities helps with bonding. Some couples use alcohol and other substances to lower inhibitions, perhaps solving one problem while creating another, substance abuse.
• Kindness and Forgiveness. Being kind and forgiving actually makes a person more attractive and enhances bonding. Letting go of resentment, choosing to change a behavior out of love for others, forgiving someone of hurt are all relationship building and bonding behaviors.
• Touch and sexuality. Touching another can result in feelings of closeness. But sometimes we misinterpret another’s signals and instead of creating closeness we invade their boundary. That is why touch and sexuality are at their best when they are grounded in clear communication that checks out what another likes and wants.
• Self Disclosure. Sharing of secrets is one way we bond with another, keeping the trust of another’s information. A couple can create their own secrete circle by defining for themselves what information is shared and what is held back concerning their own relationship.
• Commitment. People whose own commitments to another are more tentative tend to be viewed more negatively by their partner. Threats of “I’m out of here” and the like tend to undermine the bond.

Here are a few more characteristics to add to the mix, based on my own work as a therapist and promoted by John Gottman marriage therapist and researcher.

• Respectful Communication. Respectful communication bonds us to another because the other person makes a commitment to avoid the use of criticism, defensiveness, sarcasm and contempt and walking away (stonewalling) when there is conflict. These toxic communication patterns undermine the bond of a relationship.
• The Five to One Rule. Gottman maintains that a healthy relationship maintains a ratio of five positive comments and behaviors to every negative comment and behavior between a couple. This is hard to maintain. It is also, by the way, the same ratio that contributes to healthy ego development in children.
• Using Soothing Words and Gestures when the other is upset or stressed out. We all know how good it feels to have another join with us when we are upset; the way we join with another is by using the language of soothing, soothing words and gestures. This shows the other person that we are having empathy and care.
• Use of “We” Instead of “My” and “I” when there is conflict. Successful couples make an attempt to use inclusive language when they fight. They might talk about “our” children instead of “my” children. Using the inclusive pronoun signals to the other that despite the conflict there is a the underlying belief that “we” will work it out.